I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
