if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
