Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
