I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
