I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
This toilet bowl is my home.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
