i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
