I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
