I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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