She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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