I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
