What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
