I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
