im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
