the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
