she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
