two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
