I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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