You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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