Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
