Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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