Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
