I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
