Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
