So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
