you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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