Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
