i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
