I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
