he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
