ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
