Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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