god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
