woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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