so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
