it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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