Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
