I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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