hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
