do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
