Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
