yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
