frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
