3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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