i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
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