margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
too bad you live with your parents still
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
