I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
i think my cat just said my name.
It's rum buckets o'clock
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
