I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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