definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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