I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
