Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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